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Archive Number 2517 | ||
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Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2003 21:17:21 EST
In a message dated 1/20/2003 5:43:23 PM Pacific Standard Time, hollyd@LEXICON.NET writes: > Forgiveness for them isn't really forgiveness - it's actually an admission > of culpablility. They not only have to "get over" what was done but are > expected to let it have been okay too, perhaps to even see the > perpetrators > in a balanced and positive light. I disagree. Forgiveness does NOT mean that what was done was okay, or that whoever perpetrated the wrong was justified in doing it. It simply means that the one foregiving decides to let it go - to forebear from dwelling on it, or harboring sorrow and anger over it. The most sensible thing I ever read about foregiveness was in "Wome Who Run With the Wolves. It's in the chapter called "Marking Territory, The Boundaries of Rage and Forgiveness (page 369, hardback) Here it is: "Many people have trouble with forgiveness because they have been taught that it is a singular act to be completed in one sitting. That is not so. Forgiveness has many layers, many seasons. In our culture it is a notion that forgiveness is a 100 percent proposition. All or nothing. It is also taught that forgiveness means to overlook, to act as though a thing has not occurred. This is not true either. A woman who can work up a good 95 percent forgiveness of someone or something tragic and damaging almost qualifies for beautification, if not sainthood. If she is 75 percent forgiving and 25 percent, "I don't know if I ever can forgive fully, and I don't even know if I want to," that is more the norm. But 60 percent forgiveness accompanied by 40 percent, "I don't know, and I'm not sure, and I'm still working on it," is definitely fine. A level of 50 percent of less forgiveness qualifies for work-in-progress status. Less than 10 percent? You've either just begun or you're not really trying yet....... The important part of forgiveness is to begin and to continue. The finishing of it all is a life work." Then on the next page, she lists four stages of forgiveness: 1. To forego--to leave it alone 2. To forebear - to abstain from punishing 3. to forget - to aver from memory, to refuse to dwell 4. To forgive - to abandon the debt And finally, she concludes the chapter by saying, "How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstances instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to remember to say about it all. You understand the suffering that drove the offense to begin with. You prefer to remain outside the milieu. You are not waiting for anything. You are not wanting anything. There is no lariat snare around your ankle stretching from way back there to here. You are free to go. It may not have turned out to be a "happily ever after", but most cwertainly there is now a fresh "Once upon a time" waiting for you from this day forward." I think that the best reason for forgiveness is summed up in the statement, "You are free to go." I do not forgive to free the perpetrator, but to free myself. And yes, sometimes it's hard, and it can take a long time. Kimberley | ||