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Archive Number 2516 | ||
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Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 12:42:33 +1100
At the teen shelter last week, we talked a little about forgiveness > after I told a story from "The Magic Orange Tree." The story is titled "One > my Darling Come to Mama." It's a story about four daughters. The mother only > loved three and would not let Philamandre close to her. In the end when this > girl becomes queen she ends up taking her mother in. Anyway, I often think > about the kids I work with and how many people have abused them. I think > about their sense of abandonment (which was the main issue we were dealing > with last week) and how many times I hear of girls who get so lost in > relationships with young men that they will take whatever is given to them, > even abuse, and go back for more. (I was one of those teenagers.) So, I ask > "Why do we forgive?" The answer that came back from the kids, "Because it > makes them feel good inside when they forgive someone." I add with a > question. "And even though someone doesn't deserve it, perhaps they need it?" For Lorna and all, What about the instance where the person injured has been blamed for the injury themselves since a small child and still has difficulty putting the blame where it rests as is the case with child abuse/abandonment? Forgiveness for them isn't really forgiveness - it's actually an admission of culpablility. They not only have to "get over" what was done but are expected to let it have been okay too, perhaps to even see the perpetrators in a balanced and positive light. In this instance forgiving is merely a perpetuation of abuse; a re-victimization. For this person, the first step in stopping the victimization, (especially the internalized one of self-blame and self-loathing) and in creating a healthy Sense Of Self is to rail against the injurers, acknowledge the damage done and mourn the losses. I'm wondering why you chose a story about forgiveness as an instruction for your abused teen group. You seem to have a very balanced view on the topic. As is evidenced here in this discussion topic, even for mature adults, forgiveness is a thorny subject. Many of us struggle with it. Why should it be suggested to an abused teen that they forgive by telling a story where an abandoned child later takes her mother in? Of course they will come back with, "Because it > makes them feel good inside when they forgive someone." They could not possibly have the maturity or have had the time to have been through this whole process. They are still children needing parents. The damage is currently still being done. Their drama isn't even over and we want it bundled up nice and pretty so we don't have to deal with it anymore. From what wellsprings of life experience and years of struggling with their circumstances would a comment like that have come? This is merely trying to please you from words they've heard spoken in the world at large, usually without any substance, a platitude no more meaningful than "let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day". Whose place is it to require forgiveness? Usually we require others to forgive people who have injured them because it's very tidy. Then if they don't, we blame them for their troubles. Very easy on the helping professional/friend/neighbor/relative. Their wounds are not only unhealed but we further victimize them by making them feel small for still suffering from them. I"m not saying you did this or this is your thinking but we have to examine our motives in suggesting or requiring that others forgive their injurers. What really scares me is that one day these teens might look back on this and say, when I turned to adults other than my family for understanding and compassion and a "reality check" on what was done to me they told me to forgive, and so I tried to do the right thing, be good and do as told to win their approval. I forgave because I thought it was wrong not to and so as a result I spent the next 10-20-30 yrs of my life drugging myself out of my feelings and allowing everyone else to abuse me as well. In this instance, forgiveness is unempowering. You said, "I add with a > question. "And even though someone doesn't deserve it, perhaps they need it?" Teens aren't supposed to be there for their parents needs. They shouldn't be concerning themselves about whether their parents NEED forgiveness, they need their parents to be there for them. If the parents won't/can't, other adults should be. In this instance, the injury is the parent not being there for the child, why is the solution that the child be there for the parent?? Holly | ||